Long writing. Sorry.
I went to see a psychiatrist on Monday. I had enough of myself.
5 months of continuing depressive thoughts, and I was swirling into the rabbit hole of me quitting music for good. It was very unhealthy to me and my loved ones of seeing myself laying on bed, crying all day of how bad I am at making music, and I can't seem to work on anything.
I had to spoil all of my depressive thoughts to my family, friends, and my beloved boyfriend -- it was mentally draining for me, as the cycle repeated. My SO, who are working with me on a project (NDA, can't tell yet) was the first person to drain with me. I totally get it -- depression is contagious. It's especially harmful if the individual is your partner. I felt awful seeing him draining as well.
That's when I realized I need to solve this problem and decided to see a doctor. I first thought I was going to be diagnosed as a depression. Unsurprisingly (according to my mother), I was completely normal. My brain activity, my stress level, and my heart was all healthy. The doctor also mentioned that it's just a process of me becoming from an amateur to a professional composer. It's always hectic and easily drained when money and time limit kicks in. It also gave me quite an encouragement when he told me that creating something is very difficult, and there are a lot of composers, writers, celebrities, singers, and artists visit the hospital every once in a while with similar issues...
I first didn't believe the result, that my feelings are completely normal, and I was just over-exaggerating myself (that's my personality). There was nothing wrong with me. It's just a natural process of becoming something better, and I didn't had to beat down myself about it at all. Most of all, I don't even need to worry about making music for a living, or worry about ending up in the streets in the future (Yes, common concerns for early 20s). I just need to return that loosened passion and relaxed creative mind.
I still need to take some more tests and go to the hospital once in a while to get more checks, but I had no medication requirement. I really don't think I need medication at all, too. All I need is for me to know more about myself, and know that I'm not alone on this boat. My artblock also hasn't gone out yet completely, but I'm capable to work on some scraps of ideas for my current works. I'll let people (who are required to) know when I completely break the wall.
TL;DR: Going to psychiatrist was an excellent choice. Learning about what I think, and accepting the change and obstacles really gave me a breath of fresh air.
